Mine....All Mine!

It's such a strange thing but every day all kinds of ideas pop into my head to blog on and then when I sit down to blog, it has all left my brain!!  Where did it go, you might ask?  Who knows?  So today I decided I'm going to try my hardest to get it down on "paper" before it leaves my brain :o)

I've been contemplating lately what kind of season I've been in.  I believe we all move from season to season.  We have seasons of joy, seasons of mourning, seasons of healing, seasons of peace, seasons of stretching...and when I look my seasons, there seems to be some kind of common theme.   It seems as if when I settle into it is when I grow the most.  It's as if my roots are able to go a little deeper and I'm able to flourish in that place.  For me, it's about embracing what I'm facing at the moment and walking in it till I can't walk any further. 

This last season for me has been about ownership.  Ownership is a tricky thing, isn't it!?   When something is really good looking like a red convertible or a gorgeous red leather wallet  "Awww...yeah, that's mine!"   When our children our bright and shiny, behaving like little angels at the store or park and someone says "Is that your child?"  "Awwww...yeah, she's mine!"   There are certain things that are easier to own then other things.   When I've done something well or said something witty to those that I work with, it's easy to smile and own my work or my extremely funny humor (Owen tells me I'm the funniest person he knows.  I'm sure he's correct!)   Now when it comes to my mistakes or my attitudes or even my opinions that are not necessarily truth (oh my...did I say that out loud), it's a lot harder to own.

I mean really who wants to own their failures?  Who likes to admit when they're wrong or when they are absolutely full of it?  Hmmmm...well, I'd like to say I've always been mature enough to "own" the negatives as well as the positives but I'd be a big, fat liar!  Saying sorry and owning my junk has not been easy for me.  I struggled with what it really meant for me to admit these types of things.  To me it meant I was a failure but something happened at the beginning of the year.  I realized that that if I didn't look the failure in the eye (or the negative) that I wouldn't grow.  I had a deeper revelation that I was loved despite my failures by God, by my husband, by my family and friends.  It was a deeper knowing that I didn't have to perform for their love.  They didn't see me for my failures or negatives, they saw who I was going to be.  They saw the treasure inside of me.  Maybe some people saw my failures and judged me for them the way I judged myself but those opinions didn't matter.

They loved me for who I was going to be.  There was a season in my life where I had a lot of death.  Death of dreams and vision.  Death of who I was supposed to be.  We had a lot of difficult moments and I couldn't see any of the beauty of who I could be or who I was, I could only see the negative and I became a very fearful person.  Especially afraid to face my negative and my failures.  I lost sight of the treasure inside of me but there was a beautiful circle of people around me who loved me to life and I started loving me again.  And then it happened - as I started to really embrace the ownership of who I was supposed to be and receive the love of those around me again, suddenly failure didn't seem as scary.  My attitudes, mistakes and weaknesses were just opportunities to become who I am supposed to be.

It has been so freeing to be in this place.  My most recent prayer has been asking the Lord to search me and to know me (and now I really mean it...haha!)  Failure is no longer frightening, it's just a step closer to my goals.  A step closer to being a better mother, a better wife and a better friend.  Embracing my failures, mistakes, ugliness is creating a platform for me to rise higher.  It's truly freeing.  It makes living in my hoola hoop of peace much easier but that season is for another blog!  

Pie Abs, Arrows and Converse

In the last couple of weeks, I've really been feeling like blogging and writing. Today, I had to finish writing an essay for my pastor's book. He's been waiting for a couple of days for it. I finally got it done and remembered how much I love to write! It is such a release for my thoughts and emotions and at the same time helps me to process what I'm really feeling.


So, I think I'm going to start doing some blogging again!


Today my mind is full of so much and I want to post a thousand status updates on my Facebook but I have way too much to do and I thought maybe I'll just post them in a note. So here it is an ode to the random, steady stream of thoughts that are going on in my head...


Did you know I have two sets of abs...a set of abs under that I'm sure look like a six pack and a set of abs on top that are shaped a bit like reeses peanut butter cups, brownies, soda...you get the picture. My friend calls them her "pie abs" - mine are just sugar abs. I dropped sugar two weeks ago. I've had two cokes in two weeks when I was drinking soda daily for a couple of months and have eaten 75% less refined sugar then I did. Suddenly, my "pie abs" are fading and I have three distinct lines forming on my stomach. I think those might be my real abs. Maybe teaching 6 Jazzercise classes a week is going to pay off. However...I plan on getting pregnant again so maybe I should just go find my peanut butter cups and soda...Nahhhh, I feel better without them. I'm actually not craving them anymore. In fact, we have had brownies and ice-cream in the house since Saturday and I've had three brownies and a small bit of ice-cream. WOAH! Yes, that is amazing to me. And what's more amazing is they didn't taste as good as normal and I'm not thinking about them at least half of my day.


It really is about breaking the taste in order to break the craving. The first week was hard, I felt sick as if I had the flu but am feeling much better now! Plus, I've already lost a couple of pounds. I will say though I'm not a pound tracker. I don't have a scale. I measure how I feel on how I make it through my workout, how my summer shorts fit (they've been tight!) and how I feel. If I'm eating well, working out and enjoying my food, I feel good. I'm not anti-scale, I just know in my case that I have a lot of muscle and the scale and those graphs are not always accurate as to how healthy I truly am.


Charis totally cracked me up today! I heard her and Aden fighting and she was yelling "I have a schedule to keep, I have meetings to go to. I must get ready." What on earth?! Then a little while later, Aden comes running down with tears streaming down his face "Mommy, Charis is going to a meeting and I'm not in her schedule cause I want to play doggies!" My kids are so awesome!


A little while later, Aden came upstairs in his black converse, blue socks and whitie tighties asking for ice-cream. For lunch. And since I am the ultimate cool mom, I said yes :o)

Have I mentioned I'm turning into a hippie? Well, maybe not but it feels like it in my own little world. I eat chick peas now! That surely makes me a hippie, right?! And I have a garden. It might not be completely thriving but it's doing o-k. Plus, I'm homeschooling my daughter! Only hippies homeschool, right?! Haha...just kidding!! I adore hippies. In the beginning of the year I remember complaining to my friends that I felt "bad" about having so much peace in my life. A lot of time to just be. Time to rest, time to cook, time to hang with friends. Why on earth did I feel bad? I think maybe because we had so much chaos in life before that I felt chaos was the norm but I had some wonderful friends who looked at me and said "Are you kidding me? Shut-up!! Enjoy this time of rest because your life is going to get much busier!" So, I did and now life is much busier!

Owen juggles 4 jobs, I have my own Jazzercise business and am doing two online study programs. One is almost done! I'm getting ready to homeschool. We do the worship ministry together and have been working on recording. Plus, I want to get pregnant again and adopt, pursue photography and dance! Then no to In the midst of all the change and busyness, I'm finding myself though. I'm finding more peace then ever and am finding that the friends that I have are priceless. Life is beautiful. It's a journey that is full of curves and growth if we allow it to be that but it's still beautiful and it's what we make it. I'm trying to make my target one that is focused on the good, focused on the beautiful and focused on where my strength lies. My arrows are getting straighter and I'm getting closer.









Now, I'm off to play doggies with a little boy that is barking ferociously and a little girl that is wanting to be my "trainer"









Have a beautiful day!!