I've been contemplating lately what kind of season I've been in. I believe we all move from season to season. We have seasons of joy, seasons of mourning, seasons of healing, seasons of peace, seasons of stretching...and when I look my seasons, there seems to be some kind of common theme. It seems as if when I settle into it is when I grow the most. It's as if my roots are able to go a little deeper and I'm able to flourish in that place. For me, it's about embracing what I'm facing at the moment and walking in it till I can't walk any further.
This last season for me has been about ownership. Ownership is a tricky thing, isn't it!? When something is really good looking like a red convertible or a gorgeous red leather wallet "Awww...yeah, that's mine!" When our children our bright and shiny, behaving like little angels at the store or park and someone says "Is that your child?" "Awwww...yeah, she's mine!" There are certain things that are easier to own then other things. When I've done something well or said something witty to those that I work with, it's easy to smile and own my work or my extremely funny humor (Owen tells me I'm the funniest person he knows. I'm sure he's correct!) Now when it comes to my mistakes or my attitudes or even my opinions that are not necessarily truth (oh my...did I say that out loud), it's a lot harder to own.
I mean really who wants to own their failures? Who likes to admit when they're wrong or when they are absolutely full of it? Hmmmm...well, I'd like to say I've always been mature enough to "own" the negatives as well as the positives but I'd be a big, fat liar! Saying sorry and owning my junk has not been easy for me. I struggled with what it really meant for me to admit these types of things. To me it meant I was a failure but something happened at the beginning of the year. I realized that that if I didn't look the failure in the eye (or the negative) that I wouldn't grow. I had a deeper revelation that I was loved despite my failures by God, by my husband, by my family and friends. It was a deeper knowing that I didn't have to perform for their love. They didn't see me for my failures or negatives, they saw who I was going to be. They saw the treasure inside of me. Maybe some people saw my failures and judged me for them the way I judged myself but those opinions didn't matter.
They loved me for who I was going to be. There was a season in my life where I had a lot of death. Death of dreams and vision. Death of who I was supposed to be. We had a lot of difficult moments and I couldn't see any of the beauty of who I could be or who I was, I could only see the negative and I became a very fearful person. Especially afraid to face my negative and my failures. I lost sight of the treasure inside of me but there was a beautiful circle of people around me who loved me to life and I started loving me again. And then it happened - as I started to really embrace the ownership of who I was supposed to be and receive the love of those around me again, suddenly failure didn't seem as scary. My attitudes, mistakes and weaknesses were just opportunities to become who I am supposed to be.
It has been so freeing to be in this place. My most recent prayer has been asking the Lord to search me and to know me (and now I really mean it...haha!) Failure is no longer frightening, it's just a step closer to my goals. A step closer to being a better mother, a better wife and a better friend. Embracing my failures, mistakes, ugliness is creating a platform for me to rise higher. It's truly freeing. It makes living in my hoola hoop of peace much easier but that season is for another blog!
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